omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
I just googled "semen solvent" and got nothing. there has to be something that will wash this shit off!
I see a marketing opportunity
Haha im sorry. Its just financially responsiable to bang him instead of you right now.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
Randomize
