I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
No. I still stand by my previous statement that nachos and tequila is the breakfast of champions.
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
I'm not as easy in Europe as I am in the US
Only because you can wipe your slut slate clean & start anew. It's a little known benefit of our currency exchange.
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
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