I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
I'm sure it was awkward. I've never had a professor expose parts of them to me before.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
Randomize
