I'm going to rape someone's good day.
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
I don't know which is worse: knowing all the free porn websites, or knowing which days they update their free porn.
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
momentary stint on a second floor library computer...guy next to me snorted blue adderall off his notebook through a cut straw, i cant tell if this guy is my hero or just plain crazy...
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