woke up this morning wit a massive hangover. walked to my truck and found at least 35 for sale signs, a stop sign, and a julie kim sign...need answers
yea, you decided to become a real estate agent last night on the way home from the party. You started bitchin about how Julie Kim was stealing all your buisness....
Bring booze and chicks. Separate, or one already in the other. Your call.
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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