i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
The size of her hoop earrings are directly related to how much of a slut she is.
i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
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