i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
he kept asking me "do you love it? tell me you love it" as I was riding him.
and...?
I told him it was alright.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
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