Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
Randomize
