Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
Randomize
