I forgot how hot balto sounded
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
when i woke up with rugburns on the tops of my feet, knees, and chin i was a little confused. and then i remembered i had sex with him in his friends walk in closet.
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
Randomize
