I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
But is that really the name you want to scream out during climax?
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
Randomize
