Why. Ill be the rabbit if ull be the carrot.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
My liver is preforming stress tests.
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
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