Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
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