Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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