i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
i think i want to fuck a midget just to see how difficult it would be
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
Take advantage man but know that every anal bead u drop inside her will make her love u 2% more. It's science
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
Randomize
