There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me š
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
You know itās going to be a rough day when you scream āGet fuckedā at your alarm clock
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
