Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
then he said "your boobs looked so much bigger on girls gone wild"
I forgot about that,good spring break.
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
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