Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
Can we make sure camping doesn't turn into forest-orgy?
Lol, last year was UNREAL
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
Randomize
