I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
Nothing ended up happening last night because he couldn't get my overalls or fanny pack off. I woke up this morning with one strap over my overall shorts on, my fanny pack wrapped around my chest, and the baby doll still tied to my hand. Ugh white trash parties!
You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
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