Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
Randomize