She was sucking his dick at Seacrets outside bar in front of all of us...her friends kept coming over crying and yelling "Tiffany stop it"
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
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