Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
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