I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
never thought i'd see a ''climb of shame'' until she came down from the attic in front of the whole party..
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
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