just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
But is that really the name you want to scream out during climax?
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
Randomize
