How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
you were making out with a girl because you told her you were part of Nsync
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
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