You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
All these guys look like the American Apparel version of Jesus...
The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
We had sex during an intermission, then the second period. The bruins better win. Missing a period isn't worth having sex with him
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
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