if i died would you start the facebook group?
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
Who knows. I'd probably only get a makeout with an OTPHJ from her so the return on sexual investment from her isn't looking that great.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
