My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
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