i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
I just made a friends list on fb of all the guys ive hooked up with. genius.
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
Randomize
