Rock
Scissors
Fuck
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
Puking green right now......... jaimison mcflurry very bad idea
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
So it's safe to say that it's all down hill from here
Do you mean easy livin or downward spiral of alcoholism and disappointment
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
