If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
It was then that he suggested we all nibble ears. A nibble circle.
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
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