I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
No stitches, just platelets and will power
just ate frosted cheerios in coffee with some marshmellows. the college diet begins
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
Randomize
