sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
Randomize
