i just googled 'classy porn'. high, low, i dunno i just got bored of cum shots.
I told him he can't put it there till we're exclusive. That's totally The Relationship Hole.
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
its one thing to be single and another thing to be single and then have your profile picture be of you and the cat
your picture is with misty too!!
I AM SINGLE BY CHOICE
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
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