They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
Is it bad I use my AA meeting to hookup with guys?
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
Randomize
