I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
I dont understand why so many people are content staying in and avoiding alcohol and sex
Randomize
