I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
Randomize
