considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
I wish there were birth control emojis
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
Randomize