He was wearing a Knicks jersey I had to go home with him. it was a rough season.
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
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