I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
Randomize
