I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
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