I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
Your mouth is God's brothel.
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
why does my vagina smell like weed?
omg thats a great idea
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
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