see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
You're breaking my sexual little heart
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
Randomize
