Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
spent the night holding naked strippers up for keg stands and doing endless amounts of body shots. good game 8am final exam.
whats an extra semester when you've already been in college for 6 years?
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
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