Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
Walk of shame... his parents made me go to church with them first. in my club top sweat pants and slippers. i just slapped god in the face
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
Church boner. Awkwardddd
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
Randomize
