Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
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