plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
Don't feel obligated to get back to me but I think I just fell in love with a middle aged waitress at the Dennys in waco. She's used but in good condition.
the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
I like literally had a visual image of his penis going into your soul
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
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