I was getting a bj with sports center on in the background
Da na na, na na naa
This bar is like a mediocre whore house....but free
I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
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