You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
is it bad that the economy has gotten so bad that finding cheap gas gives me the same excitement and joy as finding a hot, blonde haired, blue eyed, tall, athletic single straight guy?
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
