then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
Halloween 2010: the NuvaRing girls. You're Thursday. We'll walk into the party chanting "Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday, Everydaaay".
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
i need to put some appletini on your dick
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
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