flashcards smell like vodka and my textbook is in the toilet. ready for the final
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
Dude cabbage spilt on the floor, and now danielles rolling it. Happy st party's day.
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
