i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
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