remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
i'm not too sure if he's up to my expectations looks-wise, but in the penis department he exceeds ALL regulations.
Randomize
