ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Randomize
